Dear Anna,
I’m a bisexual woman currently in my first significant relationship with another bisexual woman. Throughout my life, I’ve always identified as bi, but my past romantic involvements were primarily with straight men. I’ve been married twice and have three daughters. Despite my attraction to women, I’ve never dated one until now.
The woman I am with is also in a relationship with a straight man, whom I personally find unsuitable. To put it frankly, he’s a loser. I struggle with this aspect of our relationship because it seems challenging for her to meet both our needs equally. Although we live together, she spends more time with him, leaving me feeling left out.
I deeply care for her and want a committed relationship, but I find it difficult to accept her other relationship. I don’t want to lose her, but I do want her to lose him. — Not Into This Threesome
Dear NITT,
As someone who hasn’t always liked my metamours — that’s a fancy, poly way of saying your partner’s other partners — I feel your predicament. Sometimes it’s not easy to accept your partner’s romantic choices, especially when those choices feel like an affront to your sensibilities. It’s clear that you’re grappling with some sticky emotions, caught between your love for your partner and discomfort over her other relationship.
Loser or not, it’s not ultimately your decision who your partner dates. It’s hers. But there are aspects of this situation that you can control and negotiate. Let’s dig in.
First, take a little time for some self-reflection. What are your emotional needs within this relationship? What aspects of the current situation make you feel most uncomfortable or neglected? Identify the core issues — whether it’s the amount of time spent together, the level of commitment shown or how your relationship is prioritized compared to her other relationship.
Then, get really clear on what you’d like to change. When you say you want a “committed relationship,” what does that mean to you? You do live together already, which is not a small thing, so it’s good to think about what other aspects of commitment you feel like you’re not getting.
Then, set up a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner. When you talk, it’s important that she understands the impact her actions are having on you. This isn’t just about expressing your discomfort but also about clarifying expectations and needs. Tell her how you feel left out and express your need for a more connected and prioritized relationship, rather than ragging on her other partner, tempting as it may be. This isn’t actually about him, but about you and her.
Secondly, set boundaries that you are both comfortable with. Determine what you can accept and what you can’t. Are there specific changes you need to see in her behavior? Reflect on what balance would look like for you in this relationship and communicate that to her.
Here are a few boundaries to consider:
Time allocation: You might wish for more dedicated time with her, possibly establishing certain days or evenings that are just for the two of you. Think about holidays and birthdays and other milestones, too.
Communication: Discuss the importance of regular and meaningful communication. Perhaps you need a daily check-in or more transparency about her plans with her other partner. Perhaps you need regular texting and memes. Perhaps you need time for the three of you to process things!
Public acknowledgment: Determine how important it is for you that your relationship is recognized and acknowledged in public and among friends and family, if it’s not already.
Future planning: Discuss the future of your relationship. What are your respective expectations and hopes?
Emotional/physical needs: Talk about any emotional or physical support and understanding you need from her, and vice versa. This could be physical affection, sex, sleeping in the same bed, date nights, special rituals and more.
As you move forward, pay attention to how she responds to your needs. If she makes an effort to address your concerns and adjust her actions, there may be a path forward together. If not, it might be time to consider how suitable this relationship is for you.
Ultimately, if despite your efforts, you find that the situation remains unchanged and continues to be detrimental to your happiness, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship. This isn’t about giving an ultimatum, but about recognizing what you need in a relationship to feel loved and secure.
As Stephen Chbosky, author of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” put it, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Ensure that your relationship nourishes and supports you as much as you do it.
(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)
