If you find yourself having to survive at work, something is off with that job. But sometimes you end up in the wrong place. Or in the right place, but too soon. Sometimes HR folks lure you in with promises of promotions, sometimes the spirit of competition kicks in, and you don’t want to lag behind those 20-year-old prodigies. Or a crisis hits, and you agree to any job, even if the atmosphere is terrible and the processes are a mess. Just to survive. But hey, we’ve been through worse!
Let’s clarify from the start: we’re not talking about the probation period. It has its own quirks that don’t always apply to regular work mode, so we’ll be discussing the period “after successfully passing the probation period.”
Surviving at work involves two main vectors: professional and social. In other words, the “hero” vector and the “buddy” vector. Both parameters complement each other: the more professional a person is, the more they can afford to be antisocial. And vice versa, the more unsociable, silent, and boring in communication someone is, the more professional they need to be to be tolerated.
Everyone knows its strengths and weaknesses and uses them when it comes to survival. Puss in Boots from “Shrek” plays on pity, not professionalism; Winnie the Pooh has a head full of sawdust, but everyone forgives him because he’s a great friend. And so on. But these are just the preliminaries. It’s time to lay the cards on the table and reveal the tricks that will make your boss hate you and colleagues envy and admire you.
Secrets of Survival:
1. Avoid Major Mistakes.
One of the most common reasons for getting fired is a serious mistake or oversight that harms the company. Therefore, it’s crucial to avoid difficult and responsible tasks at all costs. You can use arguments like, “I think Joe understands this better,” “I need to leave early because my milk might boil over, and I’m afraid I won’t make it in time,” and “But who will handle the refactoring then?” The key here is the famous saying, “He who does nothing makes no mistakes.” In other words, to avoid mistakes, you should stop taking on activities, at least the serious tasks. In short, “slow and steady wins the race.”
2. Spread Responsibility
To do this, it’s important to join a larger team. The boss’s scolding and the client’s dissatisfaction feel much heavier when it falls on the shoulders of two or three employees, whereas ten people can bear it much more easily. Therefore, even at the interview stage, it makes sense to probe the question about the future team — making sure it’s large. Ideally, even before the interview, you should look for a big company where it’s easier to blend in.
3. Avoid Setting Deadlines
Procrastinate as long as possible, and even when pressured, never give clear, definitive answers. Instead of saying “I’ll finish by the evening,” say “I’ll try to get it done” or “I might need a few hours.” Rather than providing a specific time estimate, use vague terms and assumptions. The boldest and most desperate option is “I can’t guarantee anything.” This way, when there’s an internal team review and you’re held accountable, you have the joker card of “I never said I’d make it on time!” Being able to dodge commitments is always an advantage.
4. Find a “Sponsor”
Identify a colleague who is even worse at their job than you are and ingratiate yourself with them. Once you’ve gained their trust, start offloading your tasks onto them. If they complete the tasks, make slight adjustments and commit the work as if it were your own. If they fail, subtly criticize them in front of the boss. Do it in a way that they don’t realize what’s happening and still believe you’re friends. Next to this poor soul, you’ll look like a superstar. If anyone dares to suggest firing you, you can play the judicial precedent card: “How can you fire me when there’s someone on the team who performs even worse?”
5. Create the Appearance of Work
This is a crucial point. No one in their right mind will fire someone who appears to be working. A comprehensive approach is needed here: first, wrinkles should never leave your forehead — they symbolize engagement and concern. Second, an A4 sheet and a pencil will be your best friends. In tough moments, grab a pencil and start drawing flowcharts. If someone asks, “What are you doing?” it’s best to stay silent and not even look up. “No time to explain, I need to draw these flowcharts.” Third, there’s the “lean on a colleague” trick, used spontaneously for camouflage. When the project manager walks into the room and you haven’t taken your seat yet, lean towards the nearest colleague. The impression should be “we’re brainstorming a bug” or “I’m absorbing invaluable experience.”
I won’t even mention routine tactics like running between floors with bundles of cables or switching to fourth gear while walking (always with a concerned and determined look) — this should be second nature to any self-respecting survivor.
6. Create the Illusion of Presence
People don’t get fired for poor performance as often as they do for not being seen — neither in the office nor in the repository. Therefore, you need to be everywhere. Company party? Great, now you’re the main joker and charmer. Try to find the most extravagant costume you can and get into every photo and video. In the office, maintain your presence with rare but strong exclamations (at least once an hour). Let everyone think that: a) you’ve had an epiphany or b) you’ve found a bug.
Presence in the repository is equally important. To achieve this, commit often. If the changes affect several files, commit them one by one — it looks impressive in the repository. And, of course, include lots of cool comments — both when committing and in the code itself. For example:
// Creates preconfigured multi-purpose high-load prebuilt block for asynchronous transaction and data processing — something along those lines.
7. Understand That Process is More Important Than Result
This approach to work will save you from unnecessary headaches and allow you not only to create the illusion of working but also to pass the time. Instead of implementing functionality, it’s better to read ten articles on productivity and combating procrastination. Instead of fixing a bug, dig through a mountain of literature (make sure to have books on your desk) and ask as many people as possible for advice on the fix. If a colleague or boss tries to accuse you of low productivity, understand that they’re not doing it out of malice. Stay silent. You’re just different from the others. You don’t step on others to achieve results or shamefully climb the career ladder. After all, payment should be for diligence, not results — for the process itself. But, of course, don’t tell anyone this. Keep it to yourself.
8. Appeal to Ego
Everyone has an ego, but senior developers’ egos are especially useful: make friends with them. They’re a rare breed. Just a couple of these guys can carry a dozen coders. They won’t let you sink. Unlike you, they care about results. To befriend a senior developer, you need to earn their trust — find common hobbies, interests, topics for conversation, and frequently share tea and coffee with them. They also love being asked tricky questions. If you can learn to lure a senior developer to your computer under the pretext of an intriguing question, consider half the job done. Appeal to their ego.
9. Ask for a Friend’s Help
If disaster strikes and you’re given a difficult task, you need to soften the blow: ask for a friend’s help, or better yet, two (two minions — author’s note). The guiding principle here is a well-known project management postulate: “Responsibility divided by 2 equals zero” — exactly what you need! A friend’s help allows you to offload responsibility (see point 2) and thus prevent failure.
10. Stirring the Pot
This is an extreme method that should be used sparingly. For instance, when you need to shift attention elsewhere or confuse someone’s thoughts. Sometimes you can tell from the boss’s expression that a clear thought is forming in their mind: “He’s an idiot who doesn’t want to do anything. It’s time to do something about him.” It’s crucial to distract the boss before this thought solidifies. There are many options here, from loudly throwing something on the floor to pacing back and forth — inducing a trance to lull vigilance.
Skillful use of the above-mentioned survival methods will not only make you a real headache for management but also help you stay in the company for a couple of years. And that’s not embarrassing to mention in your resume. Before you know it, you might have a 10-year career span across various IT companies with minimal effort. Plus, you’ll have plenty of connections, and everyone knows and likes you.
