I’m childless and gay, and feel left out of our family since my sister had children | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

Try to shift the conversation by finding some new common ground with your family, and don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel

• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a relationship problem sent in by a reader

I come from an emotionally close nuclear family. As we grew up or aged, our relationships were fed on good food, conversation, the arts, and talk of travel. A few years ago, my sister had her first child; I’m gay and childless. I’m happy for her; her kids are adorable – though I run out of things to say about every photo or sniffle. With friends who have begun starting families already, our friendships have evolved positively: I feel part of their lives. Within my family, it has worked out differently. We still chat frequently and meet up. I know they love me. But my sister’s family is now the centre of our wider one. Not just practically, but also in terms of what’s immediately asked about, how we talk about life, which conversations are the most successful.

I never felt like the outsider in my family before, and I’m sure they’d object to that description: I am not consciously left out. They ask about things, but homeliness and daily routine is the default when it comes to conversation. With friends, I don’t feel the same way, despite children also being the centre of their own lives (and, I’d like to think, mine – I do enjoy being around kids). If I withdraw from my family, I feel guilty for creating precisely the perceived distance that bothers me. If I speak about my feelings, my parents try to understand, but assume that I’m jealous; my sister sees it as lack of empathy. Perhaps it is indeed a natural transition, though a change where I grieve a closeness I remember. I know that only I can alter the situation in the way that I think about it, but I go round in circles. Any suggestions?

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