Sex toys have undergone an impressive rebrand over the last decade. Once hidden in back rooms, vibrators and other toys are now proudly displayed in UK stores like Tesco and Boots, sold by online retailers ASOS and Boohoo, and found on the nightstands of 82 percent of women, according to a report by Bedbible. Famous women from Dakota Johnson to Lily Allen have endorsed them, too.
Men, however, don’t seem to be as involved in the sexual wellness revolution. There is a dearth of stats on how many men use sex toys for solo pleasure. You’d be hard-pressed finding a penis stroker in your local supermarket, and I doubt Hollywood actors will be lining up to endorse Fleshlight any time soon. So why is there such a cultural difference between gendered toys?
The sex tech market is now worth over $35 billion, but until recently, something was missing from the conversation: sex toys for men. Sure, the likes of sex dolls and Fleshlights have been knocking around for a while, but they don’t hold a candle to the female sex tech advancements of the last few years. Even Lovehoney, the UK’s biggest adult toy retailer, offers only 332 men’s toys out of 1,052 listed online.
Enter: Tokyo-born Tenga, a brand eager to change this, bringing Japan’s celebrated male sex toy culture to the US and U.S.
Male masturbation shame
The desire for men to self-pleasure with toys is undeniably there. Tenga — who mainly make sex toys for men (women’s toys are sold via their sister brand Iroha) — found that 44 percent of British men want to give them a go for solo play.
Rather, the problem lies in the stigma attached. Tom, a 27-year-old warehouse manager, loves using sex toys but keeps it a secret from his girlfriend. “It’s a weird thing. My girlfriend wouldn’t mind me masturbating, but I think she’d freak out if I told her I used a Fleshlight,” he says. “There’s a massive double standard with sex toys. It’s not weird for her to own one.”
Zachary Zane, author of memoir and manifesto Boyslut and a sex educator at Fun Factory, agrees. “[Male] sex toys often get a bad rep, especially for solo male masturbation. There’s this idea that only perverts, losers, or guys who can’t get laid use male masturbators, but this is ridiculous.”
Elisabeth Neumann, a sexologist and user research manager at Lovehoney says the reason Lovehoney don’t have as many sex toys for men as women is partly because they centred their offering around problems in the bedroom, like the orgasm gap. This is fair enough, since that gap is a wide one.
Lovehoney did tell Mashable they’re expanding their male sex toy range with four new launches planned in the coming years, but this cultural shame stigma surrounding men using sex toys even impacts research and development.
There’s this idea that only perverts, losers, or guys who can’t get laid use male masturbators, but this is ridiculous.
– Zachary Zane
Neumann explains that test panels and feedback is a huge part of developing new toys at Lovehoney, but in some of their trials, “men have shared feelings around the negative connections they feel are associated with them using sex toys. Whilst women link sex toys to ‘self-care,’ they view men using them as ‘lonely’ or ‘needy’, which is a shame to hear.”
She notes, like Zane, that this notion is also ridiculous. “We know [from internal research] that less than one in five people buying a male sex toy are single, so male sex toy use has nothing to do with loneliness.”
Topher Taylor, a sex toy developer, sex educator and brand manager at Clonezone, says that an aversion to solo sex toy use (or talking about it) has a lot to do with gender roles — the cultural scripts we’re assigned to follow in society based on our assigned genders. An aversion to using male sex toys or even talking about them is wrapped up in toxic masculinity, he says, because men are not encouraged to embrace sensuality, tenderness, or even just pleasure.
This is perhaps why gay and bisexual men do not share this problem, with 78.5 percent of queer men using sex toys, either alone or with other men. “A lot of sex toy shops are at the centre of the LGBTQ+ community or are owned by queer people,” Taylor explains, adding that queer people often have to explore their sexuality alone as they learn who they are, which makes them generally more sexually open. To be queer is to have already broken gender roles; they don’t quite apply.
Men’s gender roles don’t allow for self expression or playfulness — both required for making masturbation truly fun — so the idea of treating yourself to a toy-based solo session is pretty hard to get your head around. So, how do we change that?
Normalising male pleasure
In Tokyo, the situation couldn’t be more different. Tenga is a relatively well-known brand in Japan for a masturbator, with its brand recognition rate of around 80 percent in Japan, which is comparable to Apple’s brand recognition in the UK. “Most people in the city either own a Tenga toy or know all about them,” says CEO Koichi Matsumoto.
Male masturbation and the toys that enhance it are normalised across Tokyo’s sex shops. From Wild One in Shibuya to M’s Adult Department Store and even the convenience store chain Don Quixote, sex toys are on display next to household items. Tokyo feels like a parallel universe where sex toys aren’t shameful, and straight men embrace them for their sexual pleasure.
Wild One owner Atsushi Naito notes that Tokyo’s sex toy industry has almost the opposite problem. The city has long had a positive outlook on sex and self-pleasure for men. “Before sex toys were a thing, men were always using something extra to masturbate. They used to take old, congealed pot noodles and use them as a sex toy,” he laughs. “We’ve come a long way since then.”
He adds that it’s less common to see women shopping for sex toys on their own; they usually purchase with a male partner, whereas men of all ages shop for their own toys.
Naito is working to make his shop more inclusive by advertising female toys and creating a welcoming atmosphere for women and queer people. The shop’s entrance, a striking half-vulva, half-penis sculpture surrounded by pride flags, reflects this effort.
While other countries like the USA and most of Europe see a lot of love for sex toys for masturbation from men as well (that’s according to Tenga and sex toy brand Hot Octopuss), Britain’s male sex toy industry is lagging behind.
Part of the deal with getting British men into sex toys is encouraging them to think beyond just cumming from masturbation, Zane says. “There’s this ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ idea where if you can successfully orgasm by using your hand, why would you purchase a toy?”
So men are missing out on the enhanced self-care and self-pleasure experience many women use masturbation for. “Sex toys feel absolutely freakin’ incredible and can enhance all aspects of masturbation, not just the orgasm,” he adds. And men can start to look at masturbation as an experience rather than a means to an end.
Sex toys in relationships
It’s worth noting that this celebratory ethos didn’t emerge from nowhere. Sure, Tokyo has long had a positive sex culture for men but designers like Matsumoto have also taken specific steps to cultivate it. There are the crazier ideas like filling a rocket with Tenga cups and launching it into space for publicity, to creating a sex education platform for teens, and even ditching the Japanese word for masturbation at their HQ — “Onanī” — because its linked to shameful Christianity-based sex ideas, instead opting for the English. Education extends to the shopfloor too, with staff at Tenga’s own stores trained to speak sensitively to customers. It’s efforts like these that create a movement.
Sex toys are on most guys’ nightstands in the country — as standard as a lamp or a book. “Most women would not be bothered about seeing a Tenga toy in their boyfriend’s bathroom,” Matsumoto says. “They have come to expect it.”
This is another moment where Britain can take a leaf out of Japan’s book. Another part of the problem is women feeling uncomfortable with their partners using toys, according to both Taylor and Zane. There are no statistics available on how many women feel discomfort with their male partner’s sex toy use, but it feels like a Mumsnet complaint about a woman finding their husband’s sex toy goes viral for all the wrong reasons every few months.
Tom added that he thinks his girlfriend would be upset about his sex toys because “there’s something seedy about toy use for men. It’s like I’m wanking into a fake vagina, and that’s an uncomfy thing for some women to think about.”
33-year-old customer support agent Ben* also tells Mashable his girlfriend “straight up kicked off” when she found his Fleshlight. “It was one of their porn star ranges [where the ‘vagina’ of the Fleshlight mimics that of a famous porn star’s] and she felt like it was cheating,” he tells Mashable.
Taylor points out that “a good person should never shame their partner for communicating a consensual and safe desire” and anyone who disallows or expresses disgust in their partner’s masturbation habits (regardless of gender) urgently needs to interrogate those thoughts. However, the way male sex toys are typically designed can give every right to complain.
Sex toy design differences
Matsumoto says male sex toys, including in Japan, typically look like a “vagina in a can.”
“It’s an uncomfortable thing,” he adds. The look and function of these gadgets, which reduced women to body parts, are just for the one percent,” he explains. “I wanted to create something that would appeal to the other 99.”
That’s why Tenga’s packaging for their disposable range of ‘unis’, ‘cups’, and ‘eggs’ as well as their reusable products (‘puffy’, ‘bobble’, ‘flip’ and ‘orb’) are technology-based, more reminiscent of a fancy car part than a genital, inspired by Mastumoto’s background as a mechanic.
Taylor says these choices make a huge difference, adding that brands like Tenga as well as Hot Octopuss and Lovense have also done a great job of adopting sleek designs that remind you of tech items like headphones or smart speakers. “It’s more appealing and stops the idea that you can [commodify and] objectify [female genitalia]. And they sell really well,” he says.
It’s something Lovehoney is carrying into future male sex toy designs too, with Neumann adding they want to “think broader and move away from the simple idea of reenacting penetration and encouraging male testers to not see their toy as a replacement for a companion.”
A better future for male sexual wellness is certainly taking shape. Tenga has ramped up its efforts in the UK, setting up pop-ups in various stores, including Selfridges, which they say are more about changing attitudes towards male toys than anything else. Outside of sex toys, startups like Mojo (a community for men overcoming erectile dysfunction) and GASM (an app for male sex and dating advice) are blooming. More men are also practising self-care than ever, of which masturbation is a staple. All this points to a very welcome positive outlook for male sexuality. And the less shame men have around sex toy use, the more options they’ll have available.
* Names of some contributors have been changed to protect their identities.
