I just realized that I am not good at managing. Here are some reflections:
I expected teammates to work at a certain standard and in a certain way that I hadn’t specify or encourage. I feel a lack of vocabulary and awareness of praising others or saying positive things in general.
Although I was the team leader, I didn’t feel like leading because I associate leadership with manipulation and coercion, which obviously I don’t like therefore I don’t want to project these influences towards my teammates.
I don’t feel like repeating things (sticking to a certain format when writing the API document) because I thought words of team leader should be executed if no objection was raised. But that is not true.
I wanted to be a software developer partially because of the possibility of creating something great just by myself learning and developing. But that is not true for software developers. SDEs work with other SDEs with different skill levels and technical background, and staff from other departments such as design and product management with less tech-literacy. I can develop by myself and make cool stuff, but that is only for side-projects. For the “day job” (so to speak), working with others is a absolute necessity.
When I watch short videos (which I shouldn’t) on platforms such as YouTube, one of the video types I watch is powerful figures commanding the team and getting things done. I guess it’s me wanting to do the same thing but lacking the courage to do it.
So today is my first day of correcting these mistakes. I asked one of my roommates whether he was using my tools because I noticed the tools was misplaced. I have been putting this conversation off for a few days. My roommate said no and he didn’t blame me at all for bringing up this issue. I felt a bit reassured. It’s could be the most trivial thing to mention in a blog like this, but I want to start to do something to correct my habits no matter how small it is.
