“The Real Housewives of Orange County” know many things.
What kind of vodka to order with soda: Belvedere for Shannon Storms Beador.
When you should get a mammogram: When Heather Dubrow tells you.
How many suitcases do you need for a quick trip to London: Four, if you’re Tamra Judge.
But as the housewives headed off to bonny old England on this week’s episode, we also learned there is plenty they do not know.
Gina Kirschenheiter does not know anatomy. “I did not know that lymph nodes would be in my breasts,” she confesses after Heather organized a mini-girls trip to the breast center for mammograms for Gina, Shannon and Jenn Pedranti.
Katie Ginella did not know that Great Britain is an island. “She’s not the best at history, or geography, same thing,” says Katie’s daughter Kaili.
Emily Simpson does not seem to know the appropriate age to teach her 9-year-old son, who was trying on a fur jacket she’s packing for London, about the profession known in England as a procurer. “Now you look like a pimp,” Emily tells the wee lad. “Do you know what a pimp is?”
And Shannon, oof, there are many things that Shannon does not know, but this week it’s the lesson that if you have spent the entire season telling everyone that you did NOT borrow $75,000 from your ex-boyfriend, who is now suing you for it, do not go on the radio show and describe that transaction in a way that could cause some to think it sorta sounds like a loan.
Heather and Tamra are roomies at the May Fair Hotel in London, and they’ve scarcely finished unpacking their suitcases before they start gossiping about what Shannon said a day or two earlier on the Jeff Lewis channel on SiriusXM satellite radio. Fortunately, we get a clip.
“He gave you some money, unsolicited, he offered it to you,” asks Lewis, who found reality fame on “Flipping Out” and built that into a reality world media empire.
“No, no,” Shannon replies, and if only she’d just stopped talking then. “I did need money at the time. He said, ‘I wish you could get a low-interest loan.’ I said, ‘Well, you have money.’”
Cut to Heather and Tamra.
“Isn’t that a loan?” Heather asks.
“Yeah,” Tamra says.
“Move on, pay him back,” Heather says.
Will Heather and Tamra keep this information to themselves so the other five housewives can enjoy their trip to London without needless drama? Does Emily know that when you brush your teeth on a trans-Atlantic flight nine out of 10 dentists would not recommend you rinse with Dr. Pepper?
They do have a jolly good time as the trip begins, Emily’s mid-flight choice of Dr. (Pepper)-approved mouthwash aside. Heather commandeers the intercom on the flight to announce Shannon’s row and seat numbers, that it’s her 60th birthday, and she’s single.
“There will be no Mile High Club on this flight,” a mortified Shannon shouts back.
When the shuttle pulls up to the May Fair Hotel, Heather isn’t finished, telling the doorman that Shannon is single.
Shannon is more interested in delivering the lines she’d clearly practiced on the flight over.
“I am Shannon Storms Beador, the Duchess of Corona Del Mar,” she tells the hotel manager, who looks like it’s just dawning on him that the free publicity the May Fair will get by hosting the housewives might not be worth the headaches. “And these are my ladies in waiting.”
Before the housewives scatter to their swanky suites, Shannon gives them welcome gifts, Burberry wool scarves that cost $595 each. Times six that’s $3,570 and Tamra, who couldn’t keep her nose out of Jenn’s business, sniffs this one out, too.
“Why is Shannon dishing out scarves like candy when she’s in a $75,000 lawsuit and says she doesn’t have the money to pay it?” she asks.
Shannon also got everyone Union Jack-patterned bucket hats, and some of the housewives are not happy to don them for a group portrait on the way to a rocket boat ride down the Thames.
“This is like a neon sign flashing that we are tourists,” Katie grumbles.
They go to dinner at 8 at the Londoner, a rooftop Japanese restaurant and bar in Soho, and if we’d never seen the show before we might excuse the drama that ensues as the effects of jetlag. But we have seen the show, and there is ALWAYS drama.
Heather gets it started, saying her feelings were hurt when no one asked her about her mammogram results after she was the one who got them all to go in the first place. Fair point – Heather had been told she has a 39 percent risk of future breast cancer – but why didn’t she say something then?
Then Heather and Tamra bring up what they heard on the Jeff Lewis channel and bloody ‘ell, Shannon goes off, insisting she did not take the money as a loan and that she had not said that on the radio show.
Heather and Tamra pile on, with Tamra shouting, “You’re not the (bleepin’) victim, Shannon.”
Shannon leaves dinner and heads for the bar. All that arguing sure works up a thirst.
Related links
Real Housewives of Orange County: A peace offering rejected!
Real Housewives of Orange County: Dinner, drinks, drama!
Real Housewives of Orange County: Heartbroken, but not housebroken
‘Real Housewives of Orange County: Emotional chaos!
Real Housewives of Orange County: Tears, tumult and toots
