Emily Simpson, Tamra Judge and Jenn Pedranti are dancing on the bar, drinking vodka straight from the bottle, and spraying each other with seltzer from the soda gun as “The Real Housewives of Orange County” do the usual girls’ night out stuff at The Boulevard in Costa Mesa.
But Gina Kirschenheiter is ignoring all that for a much bigger problem.
“Why would you tell them all that? I told you not to,” she whispers to newest housewife Katie Ginella.
“You’re right, I know,” Katie replies.
What has Katie done? Oh, it’s bad. Katie has poked the bear, the bear’s name is Heather Dubrow, and all of the other wives know what that means for Katie.
Here’s the deal: Last season, Tamra accused Heather of calling the paparazzi to shoot her and hubby Terry at Disneyland. The show’s working theory was that Heather sought to nip any possible rumors of discord in the bud with a few lovey-dovey pics of the pair at the Happiest Place on Earth, where dreams really do come true, and paparazzi come too when you wish upon a star.
Katie, who was not on the show then, heard about this and asked a paparazzi-connected friend who supposedly confirmed the rumor in a text. And just before Emily, Jenn and Tamra went all Coyote Ugly on the bar top, she shared this with the others.
“Heather does not like surprises,” Tamra says in a camera confessional. “She does not like to be called a liar. Bye, Katie. Nice knowin’ ya!”
Emily, Tamra and Jenn are dropping it like it’s hot, shaking their collective booty low, low, low as the bar regulars shout, “Shot! Shot! Shot!”
“This whole thing with Katie, I don’t know what to do!” Gina says to Emily once she’s down from the bar.
“Katie needs to eat some (bleepin’) Wheaties, she needs to drink a protein shake, she needs to focus,” Emily says. “Because Heather is gonna (bleepin’) destroy her.”
Tamra, who could not be happier that this stuff is getting stirred up, returns to the banquette sticky from all the seltzer or soda or whatnot sprayed on her, and which the housewives sprayed on the crowd, during their performance.
“I mean, maybe it’s the ’80s coming out in me, but who doesn’t want to be in a Whitesnake video?” Tamra tells the camera.
We’ll check back on Katie in a bit, but first let’s say hello to an old friend, former housewife Vicki Gunvalson, who a day or two later is stopping by Shannon Storms Beador’s place.
Vicki being Vicki she starts to talk about her staph infection right off the bat, offering to show Shannon in the bathroom, and describing its current state of viscosity and color in terms that might make you lose your lunch. Shannon smartly declines.
They’re there to talk about what to do about their club act as the Tres Amigas now that Tamra has quit and only Dos Amigas remain. Vicki suggests they soldier on.
“It will be like Ethel and Louise,” she tells Shannon. “Thelma and Louise. Ethel and Lucy. And Laverne and Shirley.” (Someone needs to remind Vicki how “Thelma and Louise” ends, perhaps?)
Shannon’s also got news. Her ex-boyfriend John has just sued her for $75,000 he says she borrowed for a facelift. Vicki trash-talks John for a minute but gets distracted.
“Can I ask you something?” she says and points at Shannon’s chest. “Why is that boob smaller than this boob?”
“Is it noticeable?” Shannon asks, and starts to rearrange herself.
“Yeah, it’s like you’ve got two oranges in there that are lopsided.”
Meanwhile, Katie has decided to throw a golf party for the housewives. Her husband is a longtime golf journalist, as was she for a spell, and she sees it as a chance to wear cute new golf outfits and drink golfing drinks.
Katie tells her husband over dinner – and we see a clip – that when she told the others a few days earlier she suggested they call the event Drinking and Driving, which … yeah, didn’t go over well given that both Shannon and Gina have had well-publicized DUIs in the recent past.
The Heather paparazzi gossip train rolls on over at Tamra’s house where Emily has stopped by. We see the photo in question and it does look a bit like a prom photo, as Kate earlier described it.
“It’s a little bit of vindication,” Tamra says looking just delighted. “I would like for Fancy Pants to get caught with her fancy pants around her ankles for once, because I would find that amusing.”
The golf event finally arrives, a five-hole putting tournament. Emily wins, beating Gina 11 strokes to 12. As they sip their post-tourney cocktails, pressure builds.
“Put it to rest,” Gina urges Katie.
“And good luck with that,” Shannon adds.
“Oh God, Shannon,” Katie frowns.
“Rest in peace,” Gina says.
“Rest in peace?!” Katie replies.
“Well, we just hope you come back,” Gina says.
Katie, who, frankly, is braver than I would be around Heather walks over and the two start to talk as the housewives huddle across the putting green.
“Show me the proof, Katie!” Heather demands.
“I have a screenshot of the text,” she replies.
“Great. I’m going to tell you something,” Heather says. “I have never called paparazzi in my life.”
So it’s not true then, Katie asks.
“On the lives of my children I have never called a paparazzi!” Heather says, as across the green the other women gasp softly, because after all, this is a golf course, and you have to whisper.
“I have facts. And a receipt,” Katie says, as the screen fills with her text exchange with her paparazzi contact who replied in the affirmative to Katie’s question about whether Heather tipped the paps to the Magic Kingdom for that shot.
“This is literally what I did not want to happen,” Gina groans in the distance. “At this point, I feel like I should duck and cover.”
Related links
‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’: Emily organizes a flag football game so they can ‘just beat each other up’
‘Real Housewives of Orange County’: Newcomer Katie wants to be the laziest housewife ever
Real Housewives of Orange County returns: Shannon’s problem? Her name is Alexis
Real Housewives of Orange County: Alexis Bellino and Katie Ginella join the cast
Real Housewives of Orange County finale: Tears and truth serum
