The situation with tent encampments, everyone agreed, had become absolutely unacceptable. It was the only item on the agenda of a secret emergency meeting of the people who run California behind the scenes.
A source provided me with an audio recording of this latest meeting of the group, which includes 10 environmentalists, three teachers, two bond underwriters, eight plaintiffs’ attorneys, six professionally certified lunatics, the CEO of a candle company, 231 union leaders and one California business leader, calling in from his home in Toronto.
They last met for their annual briefing on the imminent end of the world, when they agreed that the environmental impact of declining electric vehicle sales could be mitigated by the construction of roller derby lanes on major streets. Before that, they met to address the crisis caused by an epidemic of smash-and-grab mall robberies, a threat to the protected habitat of the endangered Valley Girl.
But this time the sense of urgency was much greater.
“I’m extremely concerned by reports that residents of sidewalk encampments are stealing electricity from street lights,” said the candle manufacturer, “which homeless service providers tell me has diminished the need for my wax-based lighting solutions.”
“I fully support the goal of open flames in tents,” said one of the plaintiffs’ attorneys. “Happy to sign onto the coalition.”
“What about the crisis on our college campuses?” said a union leader. “We can’t allow the construction of tent cities surrounded by walls of plywood and pallets on the campus of a state university. The carpenters’ union has that contract exclusively. The state is clearly in breach of the agreement.”
“That’s right,” said another union leader. “Plywood and pallets must be hammered together by a skilled and trained workforce.”
“I have to raise a concern about the tents on the sidewalks,” said an environmentalist. “Have you noticed that every time it rains, L.A. County seems to post a warning at the beaches that it isn’t safe to go into the ocean due to, um, uh, a certain contamination?”
“Just say it,” said one of the lunatics.
“I can’t say it in a family newspaper,” the environmentalist whispered.
The business leader unmuted himself on the Zoom screen. “It’s obvious,” he said, “that it’s a serious problem to have people living on the sidewalk, without plumbing, right outside the doors of our small businesses, restaurants and office buildings.”
“Absolutely right,” said a union leader. “And that’s why we need a revenue source for sidewalk water and sewer infrastructure.”
“A revenue source?” asked the business executive incredulously. “Are you talking about taxing businesses to install indoor plumbing on outdoor sidewalks?”
“People have to pay for the services they demand,” said the union leader.
“No!” said one of the lunatics. “We can’t have people camping on the public sidewalks wherever and whenever they want!”
“Correct,” said one of the environmentalists. “We need a camping reservation system.”
“Excellent idea,” said one of the other lunatics. “We should treat our sidewalks like state parks. If you want to camp, you must have a reservation.”
“We’re on board,” said one of the union leaders, “Sidewalk reservation fee revenue will provide a reliable year-round funding source for new labor contracts.”
“Will these be exclusive reservations?” asked one of the environmentalists. “We don’t want to limit access to the sidewalks for others. Bicyclists, for example. They don’t feel safe in bike lanes.”
“And street vendors,” said a union leader.
“And don’t forget curbside patio dining,” said the business leader. “Do you know how much our restaurant owners invested in plastic shrubs and stacking chairs?”
“I’m sorry, sidewalks should be for walking,” said one of the plaintiffs’ attorneys. “Walking, and tripping, and suing.”
“I want to get back to this street light problem,” said the candle manufacturer. “We have to stop our tent developments from stealing electricity.”
“That’s not even half the problem,” said the business leader. “People are vandalizing the street lights to steal the copper wire right out of them.”
“I was going to bring that up, too,” said an environmentalist. “Our greenhouse gas reduction strategy depends on forcing a transition to electric vehicles, but now we’re dealing with copper wire theft from EV chargers. People are just chopping off the cables and selling the copper. That puts the whole plan, uh, planet at risk.”
“Yes, Los Angeles may have to convert to solar-powered street lights that don’t have copper wire,” said one of the bond underwriters. “Much more expensive for the city to buy, but consultants say it deters vandalism because the solar powered lights have no street value.”
“I may have a solution,” said the candle manufacturer. “I’ll call the mayor.”
“California must innovate,” said one of the teachers. “Blame is not consistent with California values. That’s not who we are. We should focus on helping vandals, not penalizing or stigmatizing them.”
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“Harm reduction!” said one of the lunatics.
“Yes,” said the teacher. “We must give away copper wire as harm reduction. They’re going to take it anyway, so we may as well give it to them, safely packaged and properly portioned for resale. Too much could kill them, at today’s prices.”
“Harm reduction is fine,” said the business leader. “But shouldn’t we also be talking about tent reduction? There are tents on the sidewalks, freeways, college campuses, parks, median strips, transit stops. Tents everywhere.”
“We ran the numbers, and it’s not workable,” said one of the bond underwriters. “If you remove tent sales from the state’s GDP, California’s economy drops from the fifth largest in the world all the way down to eighth, below France.”
There was a simultaneous groan from the group.
“Exactly,” said one of the lunatics. “Can’t do that. The governor’s in the wine business.”
Write Susan@SusanShelley.com and follow her on Twitter @Susan_Shelley
