The Tory gravy train’s left town – but it’s got all my best gags on board | Stewart Lee

The Tory gravy train’s left town – but it’s got all my best gags on board | Stewart Lee

The Conservatives were a joke that just kept giving but where do the next four years of funny come from?

A female black rod has declared the wokest parliament ever open! Allow yourselves the luxury of hope. But while you must remember the poor, and the polluted rivers and those marooned on massive hospital waiting lists, you must also, at this time, think of the satirists. For we are the real victims here. The gift horse just shut its mouth, shut the stable door and bolted. Maybe Nadhim Zahawi forgot to turn the understable heating on.

This is the first supposedly funny broadsheet column I have written under a Labour government. And it is already not very funny at all. Reading it must feel like watching air escape slowly from a punctured balloon. Pffffft! Come back, Jonathan Gullis. The church of hell is missing its chief gargoyle. Come back, Gillian Keegan, for you did a fucking good job, actually. Come back, Andrew Selous, former MP for South West Bedfordshire, whoever you were. And come back, Grant Shapps. Come back, Michael Green. Come back, Sebastian Fox. Come back, Corinne Stockheath. Come back, all the different online identities of Grant “Lawnmower” Shapps that made him four times as funny as a normal Tory. We need you! Especially Corinne Stockheath.

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