Like many complicated things, it began with a simple premise.
I thought: I’ll just see if I can pay my property taxes online. Everyone is doing it. How hard can it be?
When I finally completed the form and sat patiently waiting for my confirmation number, a message appeared on my computer screen saying that if I was having trouble with the transaction, it was probably because my browser was not up to date.
Perhaps I should pay by phone? I was all in.
Optimistically, I dialed the 1-800 number hoping it would be answered by an understanding representative. No, not happening. Soon a robot was shooting orders at me. Each time I responded to a command, it was followed by, “If this is correct, say yes; if it is not, say no.” I got in two affirmative answers, but then cleared my throat on the third one.
“Excuse me,” I automatically apologized to Robbie Robot, who replied that he didn’t understand my response and perhaps I should pay my bill online.
The second time I called and listened to the whole spiel again, I got through three questions before apparently making some involuntary sound and getting the same message and disconnected again. It’s a good thing I’d reached the stage of my life where I can laugh at myself or I hate to think how this could have gone down.
By now, I’d made 15 calls, all ending with me making some kind of blooper and being disconnected. No longer feeling apologetic, I was having to censor everything that comes out of my mouth.
This was at 3 a.m., and I was hungry but determined. Maybe I needed a change of scenery. I took a few calming laps around the house while the water was boiling for my tea. I sang to the raisin bread as I popped it into the toaster. A half hour passed and I called the 1-800 number again. I’d committed it to memory along with all the questions I would be asked. I tried to divest myself of any strange sounds like coughing, sneezing or screaming before Robbie starts talking. Finally, he asked for my credit card number. The finish line was seconds away if only I don’t breathe too loud.
At 5:04 a.m., I successfully completed the payment that I’d begun at midnight, all the while thinking about the website’s promise: “Save time by making your payment online or by phone.”
Email patriciabunin@sbcglobal.net. Visit her on X @patriciabunin and at patriciabunin.com.
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